What actually happened on the 26th

Well and so the story continues...

I was half resigning to the fate that I dont have to be touched like how everyone have been touched. Its not a feeling I'm seeking after all. I have to rest in the knowledge that He loves me. I keep telling myself but can't help finding myself still yearning for what others have received.

So we went, my brother and I.

If I can't have a touch, at least I can still get fed. And so I listen intently hoping that Pst Nathan's jokes that amuse everyone could amuse me as well. And it finally did when he played with the nodding sheep. I laughed(or rather giggled), for the 1st time in ages, from my heart. I felt released from everything that held me and I felt better. At that point I was satisfied. I enjoyed immensely what he shared with us and I absorbed it like a sponge because its something that spoke to my heart and at the same time a new and fresh thought that I've not heard before. So when Pst Nathan asked who wanted more, I was the only one who responded.

And so I was fed. Contented with what God has given to me.

Then came the exciting part. As I've mentioned I gave up the thought of getting touched, or rather I just get used to not being touched that I sort of gave up on that thought. But of course God did not forget me nor did He not hear me. He did and is doing something with my life from the inside.

And so I got what I wanted and it was really a deliverance. I released everything and I was set free. Free to be a child. The child that I am. (You may not agree with this but its the truth. If you can't accept it, YOU need to be set free.)

That Saturday was really awesome. An encounter and experience that cannot be exchanged for anything else. I praise God!

I encourage everyone who has issues to look to Him. He will eventually at His own time after He does what He wants done with you, touch you and restore you beyond what you can imagine.

What happened on the 25th Christmas morning and the 26th

Maybe just for better understanding of what I went through, I'm going to blog what I wrote in my notebook that morning. And this was how it all started.

It's a new day, and I will start afresh! But lets reflect 1st. I felt bitter, resentful, disappointed and frustrated. So many people experienced the flow of the Holy Spirit so why not me? I felt alone, rejected, outcast, like a leper and no one cared or gave a damn. Not even You God! I felt so hopeless and there was nothing in me but just a desire for you to touch me! Forget about being baptized(immerse) I just want a touch. If I can't eat from the table then at least let me have the crumbs. Why even refuse me the crumbs?

Maybe suicide is so common because people go through so much more and they feel the same thing. The same feelings within them. All the negativity, stress and everything just pile up and adds up such that we feel crushed and discouraged.

Lord, it has become all the harder to come quietly before you because I feel like you are the one that rejected me. You are the one that refuse me entry into your Kingdom. I am unworthy and even you am unwilling to clothe me in your righteousness. I know it's not true! Well I can just and must live by faith I guess.

I'm not feeling well on the inside but yet I have to put up a front for everyone else. I'm so sick of having to live up to people's expectations and wants. Can't I have my own way?

I realize that ever since I voiced it out, I really stop being happy because there's not a tinge of happiness inside of me. I really can't smile from deep within or just laugh from pure joy. Cause there's nothing but negativity inside of me. But yet I can't even cry. I've become so tough and hard on the inside. The 5th night, against how I felt, I wanted to worship you. But I never got to the 2nd word. My vision blurred by then and my words were non audible. I weeped. I went to the next song, and it happened again. This went on the whole night till I fell asleep. Then the next day during praise and worship, when we were praising, the same thing happened. Weeping with trembling but without your touch! Without your presence! Without knowing you're there! Not like Pastor's experience. I weeped cause I felt alone, rejected by You!

But have I stopped seeking you? NO! Then why reject me? I taught on the Holy Spirit, Him being the Friend, Helper, Comforter but yet it seems like you've taken my Holy Spirit! A broken and contrite heart you will not despise? Then why have you despised mine? I just want your presence!

(this is the part when I started tearing and the song 我想飛 started playing)

Psalm 51:10-12 (New International Version)

¹⁰ Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

¹¹ Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.

¹² Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

Can you see the hunger LORD! Can you feel the pain and agony that goes through me? What is this that pains me so? Godly sorrow? LORD!!! What do you want with me? What is it you want me to do? Love? LOVE? HOW!?!? When I'm so empty inside. It's Christmas and the only encounter with you is one of sorrow because I feel rejected. When are you going to restore me my love and my passion?

I feel like I can bite of any body's head right now and want to make them feel the same way. to hurt them so Lord are you going to give me that willing Spirit? To sustain me? Change me on the inside? Am I changed?

Soften my heart again I pray. Harden it no more! I don't want to be religious but I want you and your presence! Thats all I'm asking from you! My life is yours, my heart is yours, what is mine that you want? TAKE IT! TAKE ALL OF IT!!!

That was my entry that day. And I felt at least the Lord touched me so that brightened me a little. But by afternoon I felt awful again. I guess Its cause of all thats within me, the resent, bitterness and unforgiveness.

Then the next day, 261209, I thought about why I'm so upset perpetually and what's really bothering me. I started to recognize what was really bothering me. I wanted to clear my mind and to move on or to even resolve the issues if I can, to make peace. But it was also a tough morning. I ended the entry in my notebook this way. It's so depressing, taking my own life might be easier.

Didn't know I could be suicidal eh? I didn't too. Funny that I was now that I think back.

Anyway that afternoon, I was delivered(in some sense) The Lord restored to me His joy and in my heart everything was resolved. The resentment and bitterness got took over by His joy and I could only focus on Him. I became a child again and I can smile and laugh.

I'll share again on how it all happened so look forward. =)

241209

Guess what?

Yesterday night was the same! =(

I felt left out, alone, rejected and outcast. More so cause this is the 2nd time. Why? I didn't give up wanting. Many things I dont understand and I got frustrated, resentful, bitter and every negative thought you can imagine. oh and guess what I can't even cry. I feel indifferent and cold and hard. I lost all feelings. I gave up happiness. and with that I gave up everything.

Even after I ran this morning I still didn't feel any better. Ah Pui(Qi Han) came and we talked and he made me laugh, just 1 laugh. Guess I'm more comfortable with him. And so I was still upset, (upset is just an understatement)

BUT

When Pui fell asleep and I finish bathing, I started to write and reflect on what I went through. I prayed in my writing and I cried out. Seriously. And the more I wrote the more confused I am cause I dont feel rejected by men, I felt rejected by God Himself. Like He have abandoned me. It's cold and lonely. But as I wrote and listen to worship, a familiar song came and I can't help relating. 我想飛. You should listen to it. A broken and contrite heart He does not despise and so I got my fair share of encounter with Him. In sorrow but yes knowing He loves me.

Well I'm still expecting but I think I'm alright not having that special touch. Just as long as I have the knowledge that He loves me. I think that will suffice.

Thank You Lord.

What are my thoughts/feelings on 231209 with Pst Nathan Shaw

I was eager to receive, so eager when Pst Nathan asked us to stand, I was the 1st. I wanted what I'm missing out on. I want all God could give. I want to see what He can do, what I can do with Him and what He can do through me. Yes I'm being selfish here, its about what I want! Pst Nathan said its ok to be righteously selfish!

ME, ME, ME! I want it too Lord! After seeing so many people get drunk and getting into the Spirit, I wanted too but it just didn't touch me. I started to think and wonder, what does God want to achieve through all this? What does God want to do with me in the midst of all this?

Why am I not receiving?

I started to realize how hard my heart have become. I've forgotten how to laugh and it's been an awfully long time since the last time I laugh. To be like a child again and laugh. A child can laugh up to 400 times a day and an adult only 17. What is wrong?

Skepticism? Perhaps. We don't trust so easily anymore. We ask, we doubt, we question everything that happens. We ask why, how etc. Its programmed into us. We've become so independent that we forget what it's like to depend. Is that it?

Oh and 1 more thing, we're just to full, so full that nothing can get it anymore. We ask the Holy Spirit to fill us? But our cup is already overflowing? overflowing with what? OURSELVES! Seems like there's a whole lot of clutter to clear.

Lord I pray that you'll reveal what's inside of heart and You remove together with us all that's not suppose to be there. Just so that You can take your rightful place in our heart. A nice, purified and beautiful heart.

231209 with Pst Nathan Shaw

Yesterday was awesome, we got to see people drunk in the Holy Spirit and experience getting drunk in the Holy Spirit. It was quite a sight to see people that you never thought was spiritual inclined to be so drunk and so close to God and I am encouraged to know that God is willing and will touch anyone as long as we allow Him to.

Pst Nathan Shaw taught too.

The 3 wells of REVIVAL in the human Heart!

1st well: The Well of JOY

John 15:9-11 (New International Version)

⁹"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. ¹⁰If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. ¹¹I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete.

There are 2 purpose for His disciples:

1) For His Joy to dwell in them

2) and that the Joy might be full

Psalm 2:4 (New International Version)

⁴ The One enthroned in heaven laughs;
the Lord scoffs at them.

He laughs and He dance. He can be humorous and fun too you know.

Manifestation in Hebrew means the dancing hand of God.

Philippians 3:1

¹Finally, my brothers, rejoice in the Lord!

Philippians 4:4 (New International Version)

⁴Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!

To rejoice is a command, a decision and an exaltation.

Laughter is the overflow of Joy (No wonder they laughed so much and so hard yesterday night. It must have been overflowing with much Joy)

2nd Well: The Well of Sorrow

³ Sorrow is better than laughter,
because a sad face is good for the heart.

Godly sorrow makes the heart better!

Weeping is an overflow of sorrow.

Luke 6:21 (New International Version)

²¹Blessed are you who hunger now,
for you will be satisfied.
Blessed are you who weep now,
for you will laugh.

John 16:20 (New International Version)

²⁰I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy.

James 4:8-10 (New International Version)

⁸Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. ⁹Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. ¹⁰Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.

Let me just reiterate, WEEPING is an overflow of sorrow.

3rd Well: The Well of Shouting(or in my opinion, the expression out loud, could be singing too)

Shout to God in triumph

Shout- split the ears with sound

triumph- noisy, enthusiastic, energetic, offensively loud praise

Psalm 35:27 (New International Version)

²⁷ May those who delight in my vindication
shout for joy and gladness;
may they always say, "The LORD be exalted,
who delights in the well-being of his servant."

Psalm 66:1 (New International Version)

¹ Shout with joy to God, all the earth!

Psalm 32:11 (New International Version)

¹¹ Rejoice in the LORD and be glad, you righteous;
sing, all you who are upright in heart!

Psalm 132:9 (New International Version)

⁹ May your priests be clothed with righteousness;
may your saints sing for joy."

Do not let self consciousness hinder you from laughing, weeping, or simply just shouting or singing. It has to go cause it carries with it shame and guilt.

When you laugh you're allowing others to see you, who you are, opening up.

So with that, we started to drink, drink in His presence, His spirit.

Day 6 / 201109

Its the last day there and we were scheduled to leave in the morning. We had our breakfast, packed up and left. Nothing more then was necessary. We left the cake meant for birthdays for the month of November back there as well. I've got nothing much to say cause it was a sad and horrible day when we had to leave. =(

Day 5 / 191109

Today is chillax day! We went for the elephant ride in the morning followed by the river rafting which was all extremely fun. Then shopping in the afternoon before we went back to get ourselves prepared for the Chapel Service.

It was cool! More then just cool. Their praise and worship was lead by their own youths from Care Corner and it was nice seeing the children enjoying themselves in the presence of the Lord. I was very encouraged and still am.

Actually before service began, we interacted with the kids a little and we got little gifts from them like friendship band and small drawings. It was all good until the thought hit me: WHY THEM? I felt like crying. For them? for myself? I think it was more for myself. They're so brave and strong. Their presence and life is emitting a light so bright that it causes you to think about your own. What have we to complain about?

I went up to the chapel and prayed while walking around, getting myself ready so that the Lord could speak through me. And just mere minutes before service began, the Lord did change what I wanted to share and He guided me along. Not sure about those that were there but I got touched by what the Lord shared that night through me.

It was on the idea of US BEING A FAMILY having Christ as the head. That we should work together to function as ONE BODY. Even as Pastor Ricky was translating for me, he told me that I hit the nail on the spot and he added a lot more and I was grateful that the Lord have spoken through me. I am in awe even as I pen down all these.

Well cause we didn't want to end it with a sad mood with us leaving we threw a little party with games and all. Oh before that they performed for us and it was beautiful! =) Uncle Peter taught all of us some lessons about game that night as he led the game. He was great with the kids. I believe there's more to learn from him and I look forward to more opportunities!

And they ended the night with prayers for us and giving us flowers as appreciation! =) How sweet right?

Day 4 / 181109

Today is the day I'll consider the main focus on the mission! Because we're heading out to do home visitation and spending some real time with the kids from Care Corner. For me each of the house that we went meant quite a bit. The schedule went something like this:
Morning till lunch, home visitation
lunch back at care Corner
After lunch till 4, Home visitation

For me the morning session brought me not just closer to God but somehow it was this morning that God seem to really touch and use me.

The 1st house we went belong to a old women with a young Burmese girl. Cause the old lady could hardly recognize nor understand we ministered more to the young girl. We found out that she got married to a Thai guy that had abandon her there and as she is illegally there, all she could do was to find jobs like that of taking care of the old lady. And as she was young and pretty she got disturbed by the guys in the area a lot. I realise that Singaporean girls have a lot to be thankful for. The security and freedom. Min then prayed for her and Aunt Suling shared the Gospel through yet another story. It was interesting to see all this.

Then the 2nd house lived an old man. I prayed for him and as I was praying for him, The Lord revealed that even as we are looking at an old man, to Him, he is but another child. A child in His eyes. What is the old man's age compared to His? And so I prayed for a child. Later as were leaving Aunt Joanna encouraged me saying that it was a spirit filled prayer. =) Well I can't help but feel that the Lord is restoring me His fire and I'm pleased. Very pleased.

The 3rd one we went to lived a scrawny old lady. She looked like a child, fanning herself, perhaps it was the through the eyes of God that I saw what I saw and somehow tears welled up in my eyes before any words were spoken, mere seconds stepping into the house. I felt His presence there. Then as they spoke, I realized that she had children and grand children but all moved away after growing up leaving her alone. Can you imagine her loneliness? I didn't have to imagine, I could feel it within me and more then just that, I sense within me the loneliness the Lord felt when we as His children chose to leave His side. Its just like the old lady, after slogging her life for her children and grand children, they eventually left her alone. And that's what we did to our Lord! But seriously I knew the Lord was there to accompany her and so I told uncle Peter to translate it for her. Somehow I believed that Aunt Joanna felt something too and she lead us in a song of worship. AWESOME! This is definitely the most memorable part of the whole Mission trip! I left reluctantly giving her 20 baht for safe keep then entrusting another 500 baht for her under the care of Care Corner.

The 4th one that we went was also spirit packed! This young man was shot and as a result was paralyzed from waist down. In fact he still has a bullet in his chest cavity. Maybe as a young man (alright I'm older) I could understand his need for adventure and excitement. And so I prayed in that area, not mentioning healing in any way. After the prayers, his father who worked in a restaurant as a musician performed 2 songs for us. 1st being 'Yesterday' by the Beatles and 'West Virginia' Jie Audrey then shared about miracles that she prayed for and took place in India on a blind woman with her blind daughter. As I was listening then I start to think to myself what Jie Audrey said before this that we should always be on a lookout for miracles that God wants to do through us and at that moment I felt like that could be it. I then boldly suggested that we do pray for Healing so that we will not leave in regret not having done so. I especially didn't want to leave with regret not listening to the prompting of the Holy Spirit. And so we prayed. And as we ended our prayers, I caught a glimpse of his toe twitching. I don't know if it was my eyes playing a trick on me but I sure hope it was true that its taking place, that the healing is taking place. Shall await and wait for the good news.

Then it was lunch. And well after lunch was not so Spirit packed but all the same prayers from the youth encouraged me. I was heartened to see that they have grown and coming out of their comfort zones to find gaps to fill.

After all that praying we arrived back to only rush to get everything prepared so that the children can enjoy. And it turned out better then great. We started of with our relay games and though it was a little messy, things still went generally well. Then the exciting part came when we played water sponge captain's ball. Everyone had lots of fun and it was such a pity when we had to go and get ourselves washed up for Korean BBQ!

We went and sat ourselves in between the children and all around. mingling and learning more about them. We even watched the soccer match between Thailand and Singapore there. Everyone enjoyed the food and had a wonderful time there. Then we went back as a youth last after the adults went back with the children and we talked and chatted all the way with me and Joel standing at the back enjoying the cool ride back. (Joe we should have taken a photo, bet your mum will 'kill' you for doing that haha)

The night then ended reluctantly with our chapel service cancelled. But of course it didnt end there for us. As I was doing last minute preparations for the next day's sharing, the rest of the youth had to come and disturb me and so they got it. The speech about LIFE! Its not that boring, really. They actually shared quite a bit and talked alot too just that they're too shy to admit. =)

With that our most exciting and best day of the Mission trip ended!

Day 3 / 171109

We woke up early and found ourselves in 'heaven'. the mountains surrounding us with the vegetation and mist makes the whole place celestial. We had a quick devotion with Jie Felicia sharing on Mary and Martha, how we need to come before the Lord and just worship.

We then went back to the school and did the collage and origami together with the kids. It was great fun especially now that we're no longer strangers. (I wish I knew how to add in the photo at all this junctions then you'll be able to understand what I'm talking about). We had some more photos taken and after distributing the sweets, we left. FOR THE NEXT VILLAGE!

The ride there was ... well lets just say you've got to experience it for yourself to know what I'm talking about! =p Anyway we ran into a ditch and the whole vehicle got stuck. Apparently the ditch was so deep that the base of the vehicle was already resting on the ground and so the vehicle could hardly budge. Thank God, He sent the villagers down and with their expertise, we manage to get it out. (once again if only you guys can see the picture. Well they're all on facebook so add me?)

The next village too had a church and it was located right at the top of the hill crest. It was breath taking. We had our lunch there, an interesting lunch I dare say before Pastor took the pulpit and preach! We after that did our usual performance now with sign language with Aunt Joanna's help. They were very encouraged by our presence and hope we could come more often. WE PROMISED WE WOULD!

Slowly but inevitably, God was changing how I view mission work in a foreign land with a foreign language.

We traveled back to Care Corner and spent the rest of the night preparing files and for the next day

Day 2 / 161109

We met for morning devotion at 0730 Thai time and well it was he 1st time I lead devotion so I was pretty nervous about it. Generally I thought it was ok but lacked alot of control on my part cause Joel was playing and I sang. Then I realise if a worship leader doesn't play an instrument and guide the direction through his instrument, its going to be difficult to lead.

After a heavy breakfast we set off for the tribal village! It took us nearly 4 hours to reach but we generally enjoyed ourselves in the trip chit chatting and playing games at random. Till then it was pretty much a leisure trip.

When we got there I found myself in familiar terrain, the kind that I train in just that a village is there. We went straight to Pastor Arthur's house only to know that he is not only the pastor of the village but also a retired 3 star General(Lieutenant General) of the Myanmar Army. (just in case you didn't know, Singapore only have 1 Lieutenant General)

And so with that our ministry started. We went to the school leaving Aunt Suling and Jie Felicia at the Pastor's place to teach the church elders. The kids were generally shy and had some difficulty warming up to us especially with the language barrier. We played some games and then things got a lot easier with uncle Peter helping us to translate.

Frankly speaking at that time, I thought to myself, language barrier is hindering us from telling them the good news of God, or even sharing a simple message. We can hardly talk to them and it got me kind of frustrated. Perhaps this is not where God wants us to do his work? Let see what God will do to change that mindset.

After the games we went back into the school and did some craft work with them, creating the Lion's mane! And still the setback was the language. Thank God we had uncle Peter all we would really have issues doing anything at all.

Then night came. We went back to the church and again, Aunt Suling taught. This time on the women who had blood issues for 12 years. They did a few performance for us and so we reciprocrated with a simple song of 'Jesus loves me yes I know'. It was later reflected back that they really enjoyed our presence and am encouraged by us.

That night we went back to the Pastor's place and most of us slpt without bathing. =p Anyway the place was so dark that I couldn't even see my hand when its right in front of my eyes. Oh and something happened in the middle of the night which triggered a late night prayer meeting. What a night eh?

Mission Trip to Chiang Mai (Day1 / 151109)

Its Sunday and we're all excited about the Mission trip to Chiang Mai which we're going this afternoon! I can't help but fill with anticipation for all that God is going to do through us. For those that have been on one, I believe we have a greater anticipation as we have witness and testified of what He is capable of doing, and especially how He can use US to carry out His work.

We were all proudly sent off at the Airport with perhaps a few crying. I'm just glad the kids are so thoughtful asking me when I'm coming back and if I can don't go cause I just came back from Australia and they're concern that they won't see me again for a while. How sweet right? Then we flew off with the blessings and prayers of everyone, even with my parents'.

I personally have an objective on this trip: to restore the fire that burned so brightly in my heart and glowed so gloriously on my countenance. Its been a while since I really felt close to God but that morning during service I teared during worship feeling His presence, comfort and forgiveness after not coming to church for 1 month. And I brought all that with me.

We landed and immediately met Uncle Peter, Pastor Ricky and his wife, Aunt Lay Hua. They were all nice and friendly and we quickly got used to them. Oh and how can I forget, Aunt Joanna that came with us from Singapore. She's attached to us to do some recee here for the advancement of His Kingdom. =) Then there was also Louis who was doing volunteer work at the orphanage.

We went shopping 1st cause they only have Sunday night market once a week on sunday as suggested by its name. There were many things to see and it was obvious they cater to tourists by looking at the many exquisite art works. There were also quite a few doing basking there too.

After that we went back to Care Corner and we found ourselves in a pretty nice place. Good enough for me to stay there permanently. Anyway the guys shared Bunk 7 and we had a good sleep.

REVIVAL

Dear all

I'm reviving this blog and starting to re-acknowledge His grace over my life. I created this blog in the 1st place with the intentions of posting my 1st Mission trip experience but unfortunately never had the determination to. Well thank God I wasn't too lazy to pen the thoughts and experience all down. So yes you'll get to hear about my 1st Mission trip. But more importantly now you'll hear about the experiences of my 2nd Mission trip!

So look out for all my life experiences with God and me acknowledging all that He is doing in my life!

Regards
Cheng En (acknowledging His grace)

P.S. do comment and leave your words of encouragement for me if you like and for who ever that read this blog