Maybe just for better understanding of what I went through, I'm going to blog what I wrote in my notebook that morning. And this was how it all started.
It's a new day, and I will start afresh! But lets reflect 1st. I felt bitter, resentful, disappointed and frustrated. So many people experienced the flow of the Holy Spirit so why not me? I felt alone, rejected, outcast, like a leper and no one cared or gave a damn. Not even You God! I felt so hopeless and there was nothing in me but just a desire for you to touch me! Forget about being baptized(immerse) I just want a touch. If I can't eat from the table then at least let me have the crumbs. Why even refuse me the crumbs?
Maybe suicide is so common because people go through so much more and they feel the same thing. The same feelings within them. All the negativity, stress and everything just pile up and adds up such that we feel crushed and discouraged.
Lord, it has become all the harder to come quietly before you because I feel like you are the one that rejected me. You are the one that refuse me entry into your Kingdom. I am unworthy and even you am unwilling to clothe me in your righteousness. I know it's not true! Well I can just and must live by faith I guess.
I'm not feeling well on the inside but yet I have to put up a front for everyone else. I'm so sick of having to live up to people's expectations and wants. Can't I have my own way?
I realize that ever since I voiced it out, I really stop being happy because there's not a tinge of happiness inside of me. I really can't smile from deep within or just laugh from pure joy. Cause there's nothing but negativity inside of me. But yet I can't even cry. I've become so tough and hard on the inside. The 5th night, against how I felt, I wanted to worship you. But I never got to the 2nd word. My vision blurred by then and my words were non audible. I weeped. I went to the next song, and it happened again. This went on the whole night till I fell asleep. Then the next day during praise and worship, when we were praising, the same thing happened. Weeping with trembling but without your touch! Without your presence! Without knowing you're there! Not like Pastor's experience. I weeped cause I felt alone, rejected by You!
But have I stopped seeking you? NO! Then why reject me? I taught on the Holy Spirit, Him being the Friend, Helper, Comforter but yet it seems like you've taken my Holy Spirit! A broken and contrite heart you will not despise? Then why have you despised mine? I just want your presence!
(this is the part when I started tearing and the song 我想飛 started playing)
Psalm 51:10-12 (New International Version)
10 Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
11 Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.
Can you see the hunger LORD! Can you feel the pain and agony that goes through me? What is this that pains me so? Godly sorrow? LORD!!! What do you want with me? What is it you want me to do? Love? LOVE? HOW!?!? When I'm so empty inside. It's Christmas and the only encounter with you is one of sorrow because I feel rejected. When are you going to restore me my love and my passion?
I feel like I can bite of any body's head right now and want to make them feel the same way. to hurt them so Lord are you going to give me that willing Spirit? To sustain me? Change me on the inside? Am I changed?
Soften my heart again I pray. Harden it no more! I don't want to be religious but I want you and your presence! Thats all I'm asking from you! My life is yours, my heart is yours, what is mine that you want? TAKE IT! TAKE ALL OF IT!!!
That was my entry that day. And I felt at least the Lord touched me so that brightened me a little. But by afternoon I felt awful again. I guess Its cause of all thats within me, the resent, bitterness and unforgiveness.
Then the next day, 261209, I thought about why I'm so upset perpetually and what's really bothering me. I started to recognize what was really bothering me. I wanted to clear my mind and to move on or to even resolve the issues if I can, to make peace. But it was also a tough morning. I ended the entry in my notebook this way. It's so depressing, taking my own life might be easier.
Didn't know I could be suicidal eh? I didn't too. Funny that I was now that I think back.
Anyway that afternoon, I was delivered(in some sense) The Lord restored to me His joy and in my heart everything was resolved. The resentment and bitterness got took over by His joy and I could only focus on Him. I became a child again and I can smile and laugh.
I'll share again on how it all happened so look forward. =)
2 comments:
we are all the righteoness of God!! i think this is sth u nid to know? sometimes we seek too hard for God, but we never know our real identity in him. noone is perfect, just like jesus don't deserve to die. but since he die for me, you and everyone, not just me, and everyone else....but u too!!! so u are equally the righteoness of God!!! seek ur identity first!!!!and know it deeply!!!!!!
Anonymous? =) the way you speak sounded familiar. THANKS anyway, Am encouraged! =)
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