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Guess what?

Yesterday night was the same! =(

I felt left out, alone, rejected and outcast. More so cause this is the 2nd time. Why? I didn't give up wanting. Many things I dont understand and I got frustrated, resentful, bitter and every negative thought you can imagine. oh and guess what I can't even cry. I feel indifferent and cold and hard. I lost all feelings. I gave up happiness. and with that I gave up everything.

Even after I ran this morning I still didn't feel any better. Ah Pui(Qi Han) came and we talked and he made me laugh, just 1 laugh. Guess I'm more comfortable with him. And so I was still upset, (upset is just an understatement)

BUT

When Pui fell asleep and I finish bathing, I started to write and reflect on what I went through. I prayed in my writing and I cried out. Seriously. And the more I wrote the more confused I am cause I dont feel rejected by men, I felt rejected by God Himself. Like He have abandoned me. It's cold and lonely. But as I wrote and listen to worship, a familiar song came and I can't help relating. 我想飛. You should listen to it. A broken and contrite heart He does not despise and so I got my fair share of encounter with Him. In sorrow but yes knowing He loves me.

Well I'm still expecting but I think I'm alright not having that special touch. Just as long as I have the knowledge that He loves me. I think that will suffice.

Thank You Lord.